Selfish Love - Part 2

Last month I talked about the need for people to assert their individual needs in relationships for love to flourish. Now I’d like to take it to the next level – the couple level.

Soon after the last newsletter came out another couple I have been working with talked about how they had “selfishly” been taking time for themselves. They had planned activities specifically for themselves, excluding their kids, and made sure they had some one on one time together whenever they could, even if it meant going behind closed doors.

It should also be said that this couple has grown much closer over the last few months and are quite pleased with how things are going. They turned a relationship on the brink of divorce into one where they feel closer than they have in years.

I often suggest couples think of taking care of three different entities when they create a relationship; two individuals and the relationship itself. All three have their own needs and at times those needs can be in competition with each other. This month the focus is on prioritizing the relationship.

I have also talked about treating love and connection like a garden. It is something that needs regular tending and care. It is easy to take the relationship for granted. Taken for granted relationships often fall to the bottom of the priority list. Kids, jobs, household maintenance and a myriad of other things seem more important than spending some time together as a couple.

It’s not surprising that love relationships get put on the back burner. Fairy tales talk about happily ever after, but never suggest it includes date night, one on one time, and regularly clearing the air of misunderstandings.

For love and connection to grow there needs to be focus on the relationship. Even maintaining the same level requires focus. It may seem selfish to plan time for yourselves or occasionally close the door in your kids’ faces and tell them not to bother you. Doing so is not only good for you as a couple, but also for them.

In two parent families, think of your relationship as the foundation. All the kid focus in the world will be limited in what it does for the kids unless it rests on the foundation of a strong relationship.

Be selfish with your couple time. Put it at the top of your priority list instead of at the bottom.